Heavy
by EmmaMary
Summary: Their conversation starts out strangly normal, but he has every right to know all the things that have been going through her head, and she needs to tell him. Confrontation! JAM!


**I'm kind of on a Jim/Pam high this weekend. I hope you all enjoy this.**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing, but i really really want Jim's nose, if i can't have all of him.**

* * *

"Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam."

Her voice did more to him than he expected. It had been too long since he had heard it, too long since he had seen her, too long.

There was nothing he could do about it though. She failed to tell him about the cancellation of her wedding, she never called him, and told him she didn't love him. It was up to him to figure out how to get over her, and although he wasn't even close to guessing how he was going to do such a thing, this phone call wasn't helping.

"Hi" he quietly said, "this is, um," he braced himself for her reaction "Jim."

"Oh" She gasped softly, "hi"

"I have to come in tomorrow, for a meeting with Michael," He explained. "I'm calling to confirm it with him."

"Okay then, I guess, I'll connect you."

"Wait," He said before she had the chance, "I also just wanted to make sure you're okay with it, I could probably find someone else to come if you're not, or, I could come at your lunch break or something."

"It's fine Jim, really." She said, half annoyed, and half touched at his concern.

He missed the way she said his name.

"Okay" he replied, reluctant to have her hang up.

The next conversation he had, at least, wasn't _as_ painful.

* * *

"Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam."

Just as she said the words the door clicked open to the office. It was ten o'clock; she knew who it was without even looking.

A tall lanky frame came into her view as her conversation continued on the phone.

She looked up, and without even trying, their eyes locked, almost out of instinct. Pam had to remind herself that whatever this woman was saying to her through the cold plastic object pressed to her ear was important, and she had to ignore the fluttering feeling in her heart.

He smiled at her.

It took every ounce of self control she had for her not to hang up the phone right there.

He motioned to Michael's office, beginning to make his way towards it, but she shook her heard and waved her hand in protest, and Jim stopped in his tracks.

"Okay Mrs. Morrison, I will be sure to have him call you the second he walks through the door… Yes, I'll make sure he gets the papers before he does… You too…Bye." She said finished up the conversation, and looking back up at Jim.

It took her a moment before she remembered what to she had to tell him.

"He's on the phone. I guess it's really important, I'm not too sure though." A smile crept on both their faces. "But he said not to be disturbed."

"Sounds like Michael."

She giggled a little.

"I'll just wait here."

"That sounds good."

Jim looked towards his empty desk in silence, and he felt a pang of sorrow in his heart.

"Is Ryan still the temp?" he asked Pam, his head still faced towards the desk.

"Oh, Yeah." She said looking up.

This was odd, how conversation came so easily with the two of them, even under the circumstances.

"Well where is he?" Jim smiled looking back to Pam.

A full smile came onto Pam's face.

"I don't know" she giggled, "but Kelly's not here either."

Jim let out a full fledged laugh that made Pam realized just how much she missed him. And yet, the smile on her face remained.

He looked back towards her, and he knew he had to say something else, had to hear her voice again.

"So has anything new been happening here?"

"I know Michael sends you all those update emails, I'm sure you know more than I do." She rolled her eyes.

"Pam, do you not know Michael at all." He teased, it felt oddly, _right_. "Thos emails are either filled with him showing off, or telling me things he hopes will get me to come back."

"Really, like what?"

"Like telling me him and Jan 'got it on'" She giggled loudly.

"Hey his words, not mine."

She continued to snicker.

"…Or, how Dwight has become less annoying."

"Oh, well those two things defiantly have _not_ happened. Or, well, I don't know about the first one, but I really don't want to think about it anymore."

"Now that I think about it, me either."

They were quiet for a moment longer till he spoke again. He had noticed the dark marks under her eyes, and the way they drooped.

"You look tired, are you okay?"

"Yeah, it just rained last night."

"You're afraid of storms?" he asked gently. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"It never came up." She replied.

"And now you have no one sleeping next to you to comfort you, right?"

She knew this was coming, it was inescapable.

"I knew you knew about Roy and me." She said.

Something inside him became angry, and he didn't know how to fight the feeling off.

"Well, I did. But I wasn't so sure; I didn't hear it from the most reliable source."

"Jim…" she started sadly.

"Why didn't you just call me Pam. Did I really have no right at all to know?"

"You did, it's just." She took a deep breath as he continued to look at her quizzically.

"After what I did to you Jim, I didn't think you would ever want to talk to me again."

Tears almost stung her eyes, but thankfully she had become an expert in holding them back over the last couple of months.

The phone rang before Jim could say anything.

"Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam." She paused for a moment, listening to what the caller had to say before hanging up the phone.

"You can go in now."

He stood and began making his way towards Michael's office, before he stopped and turned towards her yet again.

"Did you really think that Pam, because I don't think you did, you had to have known me better than that?" He said coldly, and turned away.

"Jim…" she croaked out, but he didn't turn back.

* * *

It took Jim and Michael two very long hours to finish their meeting. Pam was on her lunch break when they walked out of the small, private office.

Jim noticed her absence at the front desk, and spotted her in the break room.

He might have been angry at her, or maybe he was more heartbroken with her, but there was some strong emotion inside of him, and even if nothing was resolved he knew he had to see her before he left.

He got out his wallet on the way to the break room and slipped out a dollar.

She looked up at him when he came in and made his way to the soda machine.

"Jim about earlier…"

He popped the tab on his coke and turned to face her, taking a long drinking, wishing it was mixed with rum.

"I just… can we please talk."

He swallowed the sugary drink, feeling it burn his throat.

"I thought I never wanted to talk to you again." He quipped, cruelly mocking her.

This wasn't a side of him she had ever seen before, but she knew he was mad at her, and maybe feeling dejected, and it was all her fault so she let it go.

"Please?"

He followed her outside when she asked him to. It wasn't like he was really ever going to say no.

* * *

She pulled her coat tighter around her body, the cool December air bringing a chill to her bones.

"So…" Jim started.

"So…" Pam repeated.

They stood in silence, not looking at one another, for a few moments before Pam began to speak.

"How's the new office?"

"Different, a little more boring than here, obviously, but it's getting better."

"Have you been seeing anyone lately?"

Neither of them knew what possessed Pam to ask such a thing, but Jim wasn't about to lie.

"Yeah actually."

The look that spread across Pam's face made Jim fell bad for telling the truth, and since he had already started, he wasn't about to stop.

"Not anymore though."

"Oh, what happened?" something in her had to know.

"She sits behind me at work, and we got along really well, so I asked her out. We were together for about three weeks last month. But then she walked into the office early one morning and asked me if I thought what we were doing had a future, I told her I didn't think so, and she didn't either, we've been apart ever since."

"Is it awkward now?"

"Sadly, yeah. Not to sound conceded or anything, but it's her fault, she just doesn't talk to me anymore."

"You not the awkward type." Pam stated, smiling.

"Nope" he paused for a moment before asking about her.

"I have my own place, it gets lonely sometimes, but I'm actually really enjoying it." She paused for a moment, thinking, "Oh, I'm taking a couple art classes that I really enjoy."

"Really Pam, that's wonderful." His voice was full of such sincerity, she wanted to cry.

"And since you told me I'll tell you, I've been on a couple dates, some are Kelly's doing, some are my own, but nothing has ever really worked out."

"Oh," was all Jim could think of to say.

"Jim, about earlier, I just…"

"Don't, please, I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"No Jim, please let me explain."

"Pam…"

Tears sprung in her eyes.

"I _need_ to explain Jim."

She took his silence as her queue to speak.

"I didn't call you because, because I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to explain why I did the things I did or how to tell you how I felt."

"You could have tried." He answered callously.

"How was I supposed to tell you that that kiss, that those things you said were what made me finally realize that I didn't love Roy, that I couldn't be with him?"

"Just like that Pam, just like that!" he was yelling at her know, something he had never done before, something he had never wanted to do.

"No, because then I would have to tell you that I still couldn't be in that kind of relationship with you, it would have been to hard, it is hard." He voice grew to match his.

Tears were streaming down her face, and it was killing him he was putting them their.

"Why Pam, why is it so hard? I just wanted to know you weren't with him, because he wasn't right for you. I don't even care that you don't love me."

"I _never _said that."

Time didn't stop, there was not realization period, Jim was confused, and he had to clear the fog.

"Do you?"

"Of course I do!"

He didn't understand her; he was more confused than ever.

"I don't know what that means _Pam_. First you're telling me you can't be with me, and then you're saying you love me. As a friend _Pam_, do you love me as a friend _Pam_?"

"Stop saying my name like that." She screeched, stomping her foot like a five year old, Jim would have found it endearing under a different situation.

"Just answer the question."

"No, not just as a friend, I feel just the same way you do towards me." She thought about what she said, and shock came though her body, more tears began to fall, what if he wasn't in love with her anymore.

"Do you still…?"

"Of course I do." His voice dropped to a hushed whisper. "But I don't get why you still don't want to be together."

"I do, but I can't" She cried quietly.

"Is there a difference?"

"Of course. Jim, I was with Roy," he cringed at the mention of her ex-fiancé, "for nine years, I've never had the chance to be independent, never lived alone until now. And yeah, it's scary as hell, but I have to do it. Roy and I never would have worked out, even if I did know who I was, because when it came down to it, we didn't belong together, but that did play a huge part in our demise. I don't know who I am, and I'm not going to be able to be in a healthy loving relationship until I do. It doesn't matter how much I love you Jim, I have to love myself too. You have to understand that, I need you to understand that."

He hadn't been looking into her eyes during her whole speech, but he caught them when she was done.

"I do Pam; I get it now, and your right." He didn't have a trace of sarcasm or resentment in his voice, just pure understanding.

"I'm not expecting you too wait for me or anything, but…"

"I will." He said matter of factly.

"You can date, you know, have fun. Just don't fall in love with anyone okay?" she giggled.

"Deal."

She smiled up at him, before he broke the silence.

"How long?"

"What?" She asked.

"How long till you're ready, I mean," he began before she could interrupt, "I'll wait for you forever, probably, but I'm just wondering how long you think, just a rough estimate."

"I don't know, not forever, maybe when my art classes are done for this term, when I have an idea of what I want to do with my life. I just need an idea though, not a full fledged plan."

"Well, that's not long at all."

"Nope, plus, I think its going to be easier to know how to be alone when I know this has a shot of working."

"A very good shot" He said coming closer to her.

"Oh yeah."

"But doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of knowing how to live alone, if you know you won't be alone for long." He wrapped his arms around her waist.

"You know what Jim you're right." Now he really wished he hadn't said anything. "But you know what, I don't give a damn."

It amazed him, scared him even, that she had such an impact on the way he felt.

He kissed her, hard, and she kissed back.

She smiled up at him when they pulled away.

"You can call me, or email me, or even visit me whenever you want." He told her.

"I'm all for the calls and emails," she smiled, "but I think maybe we shouldn't see each other."

"You are right," he agreed, "wouldn't want to crush your mission too much."

"That would be bad."

He leaned in again, pressing his lips softly against hers.

"Have a merry Christmas Beesely" he said, before he walked to his car.

Both of them had heavy smiled on their faces.

* * *

**Let me know what you think! _Review!_**

**There is a sequel about the same length that is already written, but I don't love, it should be up soon.**

**Sorry if I spelt 'Beesley' wrong.**


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